What A Pleasure -- Er -- Pressure To Be The Censor Chief!
In a recent interview, our poor, ousted, former film censor chief Pehlaj Nihalani opened a can of worms -- worms being a nice, polite way to describe our political movers and shakers!
The ex-censor head revealed how he was driven out of his head!
One minister called him to order that some film should be cleared without cuts. Another minister's order was not to release a film at a particular time. Yet another minister ordered that a certain film not be certified at all! And so on and so forth!
Ooh my! Don't they say too many cooks spoil the soup or something to that effect? Well, here's a case of too many cooks cooking the censor chief's goose! No wonder he had to vamoose!
Yeah, better to go than to go out of your mind from all that pressure!
***
Reality Check For Our Public Serpents -- Er -- Servants!
Modi-ji is pretty upset with his ministers for their indulgence in VIP culture. The ministers have been told in clear-cut terms -- shun 5-star hotels and fancy PSU SUVs/luxury sedans.
I say, the ministers should shun not only 5-star hotels but also 5-star hospitals for treatment. Instead, if unwell, they should check into a UP kind of hospital.
The kind of hospital where oxygen and life-saving drugs do the disappearing act, life-support systems flop -- and instead of nurses and doctors, DEATH walks the wards!
Our ministers need exactly this kind of reality check to serve us better!
***
Now I Believe In Zombies!
Do zombie actually exist? If you ask me, not only do they exist, they might even be running hospitals in UP!
I mean, how else do you explain the loss of so many lives in one of the hospitals there?
Unless some imbecile, brain-dead zombies are running the show out there?
****
Constipated?
Have you seen the film Toilet? A most appropriate title for a film today. Considering the way mass entertainment in general is going these days -- straight down the toilet.
Toilet has a simple message -- DON'T CRAP OUT IN THE OPEN. But the film has a running time of 2 hours and 41 minutes.
Hey, if it takes that long for a simple message to come out of a film, Toilet has to be one film suffering from SEVERE CONSTIPATION!
A Most Refreshing Film
What happened Jab Harry Met Sejal? The audience went to sleep in the theaters. That's what happened.
But the best thing about this colossal exercise in boredom is that it puts to sleep even the bedbugs in the theater seats. So at least you enjoy a most refreshing snooze without being interrupted by bug bites.
***
Two Different Films
What's the difference between the film Toilet and the film Jab Harry Met Sejal? Toilet drives home a point about shitting outdoors and hygiene.
JHMS simply drives the audience home yawning.
***
Tubelight Down The Tube?
They couldn't have given the film a more apt title -- Tubelight.
This Salman Khan movie, much like a real tubelight, hummed -- flickered -- buzzed -- dimmed -- flickered -- then with a flash blew out altogether.
Leaving distributors in a dark despair of loss! Over 30 crores down the tube! Gone!
But wait, never fear, Salman the savior is here! After all, what's a mere 30 crores for Salman? Nothing. Pocket change.
So, out of his own pocket, Salman promptly compensated the distributors. Leaving them (la-de-da-dum) glowing like tubelights with happiness.
***
Another Kat Visits Film City?
Alarm over the presence of a wild leopard lurking and lingering around Mumbai's Film City. This has brought all shoots out there to a grinding halt.
Did I just say 'grinding'? Well, our film producers must be grinding their teeth in impatience at the loss of man-hours and money.
I don't get it. Why the big fuss over this poor cat? I bet this leopard just came to Film City to try its luck as a performer in Bollywood. After all, creatures like tigers, piggies and kats have done very well out of our film line, haven't they?
I of course mean Tiger Shroff, Piggy Chopra and Kat Rina Kaif. So this leopard must have felt -- "Hey, if those creatures could do it, why not me?"
***
Dumb Sound and Fury
Ancient Roman emperor Caligula had made his favorite horse a senator/a minister, an adviser in his cabinet!
I guess, whenever something went wrong in his empire, the emperor went galloping to his horse for advice.
And I bet the emperor got it straight from the horse's mouth -- nothing but horse sense and sound advice!
You'd think Dictator Donald has now done something similar. Appointed some donkey, if not a horse, as his foreign-policy adviser.
No wonder Dictator Donald is getting some sound advice towards North Korea and Venezuela. It's nothing but SOUND and fury! Empty sound, impotent fury.