The turning of a page in the calendar and the arrival of yet another New Yearmakes no difference to the way the world works– spinning as it does in tandem with the wheels of power, commerce, race, gender and human hubris. And yet it is a naïve tradition I have been maintaining for some time now – on the 1st of January - I write up a list of wishes I desperately want to come true in the New Year.

They rarely come true of course, but I have to admit my wishes are a bit on the wilder side. Besides, I perhaps ask for too much from the human species, which has become all about taking and never giving back anything to anyone – even if this is the perfect recipe for collective suicide. I also know that no wish list is going to change that reality, but I live in the hope it could spark some new thinking and reflection or even better – a rebellion for change somewhere?

Here goes the list:

1. George Bush Jr, Dick Cheney and Tony Blair are arrested for war crimes and crimes against humanity for their role in the invasion of Iraq in 2003 – that set off in motion the killing of over 1 million Iraqis and conflict throughout the Middle-East. A special war crimes tribunal sentences all of them to be ‘hanged’ but ‘not till dead’ – a unique compromise between the votaries of punishment for war criminals and those calling for the abolition of the death penalty. The three are ‘hanged’ in the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, from where all other prisoners have been freed.

2. Bernie Sanders becomes the Democratic nominee for the US Presidential race and wins the elections after Donald Trump, the Republican candidate withdraws from the race to pursue his newlucrative career as a stand-up horror show artist. Hillary Clinton goes into a fit of unstoppable laughter for some strange reason and is renamed by the US media as ‘Hilarious Clinton’. Barack Obama retires to the barracks and is last heard repeatedly mumbling ‘We can do it, my foot!’

3. Vladimir Putin takes the box office by storm as the hero of a Russian remake of a James Bond flick titled ‘The Spy Who Did Just as He Was Told’. In the movie, Putin leads a team of commandos deep into ISIS territory and captures its leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. In the final sequence, when he is unmasked by Putin, the evil and colourful ‘Caliph’ turns out to be none other than Turkish President Recep Erdoğan.

4. Chinese President Xi Jinping rocks global financial markets after he announces that China will no longer accept the US dollar as payment for goods exported to the United States or anywhere for that matter. He said this decision was taken after the Chinese Communist Party Politburo figured out for the first time, that the US dollar was an instrument of faith and not finance. Every US dollar says ‘In God We Trust’ and as Godless Communists it was unacceptable to use religious propaganda material of any kind. Asked what China would do with the huge dollar reserves they already had he said they would burn them at the graves of their ancestors as a penance for being so foolish as to think the dollar was real money for all these decades.

5. A mysterious new bacteria emerges in Saudi Arabia, that has a voracious appetite for petroleum and related products,gobbling up the country’s oil reserves, forcing a national emergency. A grieving King Salmanbin Abdulaziz Al Saud hands over custody of Islam’s holiest mosques in Mecca and Medina to an elected body of Muslims worldwide arguing ‘What is the point in religious activity when there is nothing to fuel it?”. The mysterious bacteria, named petrodeliciosa, spreads around the globe ending the era of oil based energy in human history and solving the crisis of global warming.

6. Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi lobbies the United Nations to have a ‘World Cow Day’ and declare the cow,the mother of all human civilization. To show his commitment to this cause he appoints adesicow as his chief political advisor, a move that is deeply resented by all the bulls in his cabinet. They get their chance to get the cow sacked on charges that it ate up the PM’s personal copy of the Bhagwad Gita when he was away on one of his foreign tours. Though there is no concept of blasphemy in Hinduism, devout Hindus frown upon anyone making a meal of their religious texts.

7. Baba Ramdev’s Patanjali Yogpeethstarts a new line of cannabis products and demands the government legalize marijuana, calling it ‘Divya Dhumah’ and an integral part of ancient Indian religious tradition, particularly Shaivism. The company’s ‘ganja noodles’ quickly overtakes all competition forcing Nestle to add cow dung (gobarum Indicus) to its once popular Maggi brand of noodles to win back customers. Baba Ramdev, personally overtakes Mukesh Ambani as the richest man in India – the legend being that he makes a lakh of rupees every time he winks his eyes!

8. RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat finally succumbs to growing public demand that RSS cadre cover their legs to prevent road accidents by distracted motorists in the country. Insiders say that more than public pressure it was the formation of a group within the organization called ‘Sevaks for Abolition of Section 377’ that finally prompted the leadership to act. Nitin Gadkari and Devendra Fadnavis inaugurate the new RSS uniform, amidst gossip,that the amount of cloth needed to make trousers for each of them could be sufficient to drape an entire platoon of RSS cadre.

9. Vijay Mallya and other Indian corporate tycoons, guilty of cheating Indian public sector banks of lakhs of crores through loan defaults, are arrested, prosecuted and sentenced to life imprisonment by a special court on economic crimes. Their assets are confiscated by the Indian government and used for implementing universal health care and a program ensuring adequate and safe nutrition in the poorest districts of the country.

10. Over 250,000 undertrials languishing in Indian prisons are set free with full compensation and instead policemen guilty of arresting them using wrong procedures or false charges are put away in jail. The Supreme Court Collegium decides to elevate some of the undertrials to the position of judges on the grounds that ‘it is only those who been subjected to injustice who know the meaning of law and justice’.

If all that comes true it is going to be a Very Happy 2016 indeed!

Satya Sagar is a journalist, writer, public health activist who can be reached at sagarnama@gmail.com

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SATYA SAGAR