In a classroom, a boy spouts the definition of the word, animal. That's as close to ‘Jungle Book’ as you will ever get in this film. And, yes, the boy, Ranvijay Singh (Ranbir Kapoor) is called Mowgli by a bunch of bullies once.

Ranvijay Singh dotes on his dad, Balbir Singh (Anil Kapoor), but the father is too busy managing his empire. So the son keeps repeating the word ‘Papa Papa Papa Papa’ like a psycho, when he’s not busy trying to be an Alpha male.

‘If ‘Pathan’ can do it, so can I. If ‘Jawan’ can do it, so can I.’

And we human beings are subject to this rebuttal, a nightmare that lasts for three-and-a-half hours. I repeat, a nightmare that lasts for three-and-a-half hours. I repeat…

Director Vanga Bhai’s journey from the palaeolithic age to the present hasn't covered much ground, but for the viewer it’s like a non-stop flight from Mumbai to Newark, with non-stop turbulence, terrible food and clogged drains in the toilets. There’s nowhere to go, except out of the theatre.

Psycho fires an automatic weapon in a college classroom to protect his elder sister from being ragged. This, while he himself is still a school student. He should have been thrown into an asylum in his youth but he is the hero of this film so he’s footloose and fancy free.

My dog, Mogambo, often sits next to me, while I type away, and suddenly he grew interested and started to question. Beagles are intelligent and not easily fooled.

Mogambo: How do we know that he is the hero of this film?

Me: A bunch of guys and girls are celebrating in a room. A person shouts, ‘Eh Hero!’ And only Psycho turns to react.

Mogambo: That’s it?

Me: When the guys are riding bikes, Psycho is in front of the formation. And he easily seduces the heroine, Gitanjali (Ms Mumble), to elope with him.

Mogambo: Just like that?

Me: He explains the entire concept of Alpha to her. How the strongest man would just ‘take’ the woman and do as he pleases while the other weaker men watched and waited for the leftovers, something like that.

Mogambo: I know what an Alpha is. I’m a dog. It’s disgusting. We, for that matter, approach a bitch only when she is in heat. I thought human beings had evolved. I want to know what’s so heroic about all this?

Me: Uh… wait! He flies his own private jet.

Mogambo: Hmm.. Good point. Even Dr Vijay Mallya couldn’t do that. But Vijaypat Singhania did and now he’s nowhere. Actually, so is Mallya.

Me: Well, he consummates his marriage on a bed in the private jet, which is on autopilot. Only a hero could do that.

Mogambo: That’s dangerous.

Me: Agreed. Once, Ms Mumble also takes the wheel. He teaches her how to fly a plane.

Mogambo: Without a driver’s licence?

Me: I told you he is the hero. They also make love in the open, on a bed on a private airstrip in the snow.

Mogambo: In the snow! Hmm... He must be having a lot of hair on his body. My friend, a Husky, used to do that. Let me not disturb you anymore.

He slept on his back, exposing his stomach, with his front legs curled up and head sliding off the sofa. I suspected it was not over yet. Nevertheless, back to work…

Psycho always leads from the front. He walks into a hotel with a gang of turbaned suits and shoots all over the place, like he did in his sister’s college. Then, he strangles his brother-in-law to death because he’s a traitor to the family and to Papa.

Then, he designs a super heavy automatic-weapon-cum-three-wheeler, which he unleashes on another bunch of suits wearing helmets inspired by the Empire’s army in the ‘Star Wars’ series. There were hundreds of them, sent by a heavy weight training body to kill Papa.

But he needed to borrow underwear for this battle, because his own underwear gave him an itch. And underwear is a prerequisite for war. Fortunately, he borrowed underwear with a tiger printed on the front from his Maharashtrian arms dealer. It gave him strength- you know where.

Unfortunately, Papa, the richest man in India, intelligent enough to handle an enormous Indian empire represented by a Swastika logo, doesn’t know how to manage his psychotic son. And his wife, Ms Mumble, waits for him to kill more people and return home so she can perform the rituals of Karva Chauth.

There is so much happening. Psycho gets shot and is struggling for life. He needs a new heart. The heart donor’s fiancée, Zoya (Tripti Dimri), wants to meet Psycho.

Actually, she has been sent by the enemy, who is a disgruntled relative, Abrar (Bobby Deol without the powers of speech) living in Scotland. Abrar stabs, I forget who, on his wedding day in front of the guests and then has sex with his bride, with blood all over them, in front of the guests (as far as I remember). He wants Balbir and his family dead because.. uh.. let’s say- family feud

The married Psycho jumps into bed with Zoya. His turbaned suits are amused with this conquest and smirk when questioned by Ms Mumble.

What’s worse is that Psycho is aware that Zoya is a trap sent to kill him so decides that she needs to be f%^$*d. (Ugh!) She also needs to lick his shoe to prove her love for him.

Mogambo got up with a start. I was hoping he was fast asleep.

Mogambo: I also show my love for you by licking you.

Me: I appreciate that. But you lick me on my face. And you do so on your own terms. And you chew up my shoes. By the way, Psycho also physically abuses Ms Mumble and then applies cream on her wounds. You won’t understand all these things. It’s all about animals.

Mogambo gave me the quintessential, mournful, disapproving look and settled his head on his paws.

So, where were we? Ah yes! Abrar and Psycho confront each other and wrestle on another private airstrip. They also strip to the waist to show who has spent more hours at the gym. There’s a lot of shooting, stabbing, slashing, stripping, socking…

Mogambo sits upright.

Mogambo: Then he can’t be the hero. He has killed hundreds of people- even more than Jawan and Pathan. And they are not even Pakistanis. He must have got arrested and a life sentence.

Me: No. He didn't get arrested. To get arrested you need a police force and there isn’t a single policeman in the film.

Mogambo: What?! How is that possible? Even if my friends bite someone, an FIR is registered with the cops.

Me: You may have a point there.

Mogambo: And I’ve seen enough in your stupid world to know that glorifying misogyny and sadism would not be allowed by the feminists.

Me: I didn’t see any at the theatre.

Mogambo: No wonder. Or they would have eaten them alive.

Me: I don’t think so. Feminists are not animals.

Mogambo howled like an Andalusian dog. I shut my laptop with the fear of a sequel coming up because the film ended with a Psycho look alike from Istanbul hungry for revenge. Ranbir Kapoor with a different hair do.

PS: Even the dignified performances of Anil Kapoor and Ranbir Kapoor (with weird hair styles), do not make up for this nonsensical over the top violence, unleashing of ‘mardangi’ and the blatant humiliation of women.

Animal

Director: Sandeep Reddy Vanga

Cast: Ranbir Kapoor, Bobby Deol, Anil Kapoor, Tripti Dimri, Rashmika Mandanna

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