Stop The Noise!

Here’s an attempt to sell a pre-owned 1971 model Ambassador car in the world of Lamborghinis, Beamers and Teslas. The new generation has, probably, not heard of Ambassador Cars. Good for them.

At the helm is a director, Anil Sharma, who does not know how to drive and so it feels like an eternal, torturous, bumpy ride on a road full of potholes. One needs to pray for deliverance. We will get to the prayers later.

A good for nothing, Punjabi puttar with an IQ of less than 1, Jeete (Utkarsh Sharma) is capable of only one thing, existence. His mother, Sakina (Amisha Patel) feeds him his meals with her own bare hands.

His father, Tara (Sunny Deol), a truck driver with a Rambo past, dotes on him even though he is disappointed in his progeny. But aaal is well because Sakina and Tara look into each other’s eyes, lost in 1971, for what seemed like hours, with music wafting in the background.

Tara Paaji gets called to deliver ammunition at the India/Pakistan border and is, since, missing in action, suspected to be on the wrong side of the border. Good for Nothing (with no IQ) desires to be good for something and crosses the border with a fake Pakistani passport to get his father back, without any qualifications in espionage, martial arts or even a diploma in formal education.

Good for Nothing (with no IQ) manages to find shelter in a house in Pakistan and a job as a ‘bawarchi’! The house belongs to a not so intelligent ISI officer, Farid (Luv Khan), who does not care to vet him or his culinary skills.

Good for Nothing (with no IQ) easily wins over Farid’s sister, Muskaan (Simrat Kaur- soni kuddi with beautiful eyes and lots of kajal).

Meanwhile, Tara Paaji, who killed 40 men decades ago, falls into a river and ends up on the right side of the border. So now, he has to go back to the wrong side of the border to bring Good for Nothing (with no IQ) back to the right side of the border.

Right side and wrong side. Do you copy? After countless ridiculous scenes sans logic, this migraine spreading Katha threatens to go on forever.

Prayer 1

“Hey Bhagwan! No more songs in life, please. Not until Diwali! Not until the next elections!”

The songs keep coming at one like bullets and there’s nowhere to hide. And one is praying that the music director has run out of ammunition but he keeps returning with rocket launchers.

Before the advent of multiplexes, cigarette smoking was allowed in the foyers of cinema houses. So when a song began, a huge chunk of the audience would clamour for the exit doors in order to smoke, unless the songs had memorable melodies like in the film, ‘Teesri Manzil’ (1966).

In fact, in ‘Teesri Manzil’ (3rd Floor), the audience would throw coins on the screen when a song began. The silver coins shone in the projection light as they were catapulted towards the screen. The public would applaud and clap and whistle with delight.

‘Gadar 2’ is not ‘Teesri Manzil’ by any measure; it's a coal mine. Cigarette smoking is injurious to health. Old Jungle Saying.

Prayer 2

“Allah Ta’ala! Please cut the screenplay down by at least 100 minutes!”

The screenplay is prosaic, patchy, predictable, pre historic and parched. It goes on and on- like a pre-owned Ambassador car in 1971 over potholes with no petrol in the tank. Incidentally, Ambassador cars were highly rated and still have a cult following. Do you copy?

It’s difficult to follow the screenplay from under the seat. Multiplexes should build bunkers now, I think.

Prayer 3.

“Rabb! Stop the noise!”

There is a lot of screaming in the film, like that from a scratched 33 rpm record in 1971 being grooved by an old stylus. And one is praying aloud by now, “ Please don’t scream. We get it. You are angry now. Rabb, please, command him to pull the trigger and finish it off.”

Prayer 4.

“Father in Heaven, I hope there are no more attempts at comedy in this film,”

A sardar bangs his head (to comic sound effects) on the side of a truck when he wakes up from his sleep. Please!

Prayer 5.

“Zarathustra, we need your help! Please make sure that the Pakistanis are shown as intelligent equals. It would, then, give the Indians a bigger sense of achievement in defeating them.”

The Pakistani soldiers are depicted as highly idiotic. They skid and drop when they turn around a corner while chasing the Indian heroes. And Tara Paaji smashes a Pakistani army jeep on the bonnet with a hammer bigger than himself.

The front wheels come off sideways and the Jeep does a backflip. The director’s rebuttal of quantum physics. Tara Paaji also pulls an electric pole out of the ground and swings it around as a weapon.

It was difficult to follow the action from under the seat.

Manish Wadhwa as Major General Hamid Iqbal blows cigar smoke during war and peace and tries his best to look evil and succeeds. Simrat Kaur does her thing successfully.

It's a very long film, almost three hours, showing Tara Paaji defeating the whole of Pakistan with his fists and it takes another twelve hours to recover from it so it’s best to deal with brevity here.

Most of one’s prayers from under the seat went unanswered. Sometimes, God also disappoints.

Director: Anil Sharma
Screen ply: Shaktimaan Talwar
DOP: Najeeb Khan
Cast: Sunny Deol, Ameesha Patel, Manish Wadhwa, Simrat Kaur, Utkarsh Sharma

Vikram Kapadia is an actor, director, playwright, screenplay writer living in a glass house.